So I don't have much to say which is ironic being that my blog is titled Blabby Tabby. I'm not really that blabby...I just thought HEY! Blabby rhymes with Tabby. So that is an instant WINNER! I have this obsession with rhyming and I'm not real sure why. I was trying to think of a clever and witty title for my oh so awesome bloggity blog and I got nothin...nada...zip...zilch. I almost stole others people's witty names, but I am no thief! Well not anymore. Not after 1989. That year changed my life. So lets go back to 1989, I am a cute, blonde haired, blue-eyed, funny, clever, smart and oh I could go on but I won't for times sake 7 year old. Anywho...I made a huge mistake at 7 years old...I stole a pack of gum from the grocery store. I hid it under my armpit. It was a GENIUS idea!! Mwahahaha! However, I would like to state that I would have never had to come up with this genius idea had mom said "Sure my little perfect angel you can have a pack of gum!!" But NO...she said "No Tabitha, you don't need that." Actually I am not even sure if those were here exact words...but I do know that "NO" was said. Well I don't really like the word "No" b/c I means that you can't have something. No doesn't really settle with me. I'm much more of a "yes" girl. I was set on "yes" in which I did not hear. So I took "yes" into my own hands. OK...so back to my genius idea of hiding it under my armpit. I especially thought so when we made it out of the store. Although looking back I am sure that I looked paralyzed on my right side. I mean my arm was stuck like glue to my side. And to overcompensate that I was all weird and awkward on my right side...I swing the crap out of my left arm to make up for the lack of movement on my right. SO basically my right side is paralyzed and my left side is flailing around as if I have an imaginary water hose that went wild in my hand. So we make it to the car. I am SO relieved. I thought yes! I did it! I looked around nervously to make sure that I wasn't being followed by a police man and about to be arrested. No one in site! Clearly a victory! What I didn't think about was getting INTO the car without getting noticed by my mother! Who by the way is way more scary than the cops and getting arrested. She spanks AND she is a tattle tale. So I knew Dad would know and that is NOT good either. They are like way into their kids doing what is right and stuff. I know! Get a life right? Anyway...I would much rather have been arrested than get caught by her. OK, so we get to the car...time to get in. I am WAY to young to drive...SO obviously I am sitting in the passenger seat. Did you know that when you sit in the passenger seat the door is on the right side?! It just so happens that, that is where my gum is too! SHOOT! What am I going to do?? I mean I have to close the car! Or do I? I debated leaving it open...I mean I could claim that I was hot and needed air. OK that is a stupid idea. Mom is NEVER going to allow me to ride home down the highway with the car door open...I could fall out! We definitely don't want that happening again! (YUP, I said again. Totally happened on my first day of Kindergarten. I so remember what I was wearing! But that is another blog.) OK back to how I am going to close this car door. If I keep my arm in the shape of a chicken wing this could definitely work. But there is a problem, I'm only 6. If I keep my arm in the shape of a chicken wing, I can't reach the door and I will fall out. So Mom would definitely notice that. So then I think...I could close the door with my FEET! BRILLIANT!! This plan could totally work! My mom wouldn't think much of it b/c I am a unique free spirited child who likes to be in touch with my artsy side. She would have thought that I was just being a weirdo, which is totally normal. However my BRILLIANT plan never happened b/c Mom was finished loading the groceries in the car, she comes around to the side and say's "Well aren't you going to close the door?" I totally forget in all my scheming at this point that I have stolen the gum. I lean over and reach for the door and in slow motion the beautiful lime green pack of gum falls to the ground. My mother doesn't see the pack fall...she HEARS it. I swear it was the sound of an 18 wheeler slamming into a brick wall. My mothers head turned so fast and said "What was that?" I lied and quickly responded "what was what? I didn't hear anything?" I am the best liar ever...so the look on my face of sheer horror did NOT lead my mom to believe that I was lying. Mom gets out and notices the beautiful lime green package of minty freshness lying on the ground. All I can do is wait for it.....3....2....1....."TABITHA RENEE!" There it is. The dreaded first and middle name so effortlessly put together. I swear the only reason for a middle name is so your parents have more to say when you are on trouble. Because Tabitha clearly isn't enough. Whatever. I really hate my middle name. I only hear it when I am in trouble. I think I blacked out, out of fear b/c the next thing I remember is my mom taking me by the wrist and marching me into the sore...she was walking so fast I am not even sure my feet hit the ground. Think human little kid kite! All the while my mom is talking to me in that low "you are so lucky we are in public voice b/c I would tear into you right now if we weren't" voice. I don't even remember what she said! Something along the lines...thief, apologize and telling your father. I don't know. Scary words were all I heard. So we enter the store...I have tears streaming down my face. People are staring at me and shaking their heads and fingers...chanting...thief...thief...thief. OK, not really but I swear EVERYONE knew what I had done. I was so humiliated. I returned the gum and apologized to the clerk and left with my tail between my legs. I got a lecture the whole way home. To be honest I don't think I heard a word she said. But I was DEFINITELY cured of my stealing. I'm sure I was grounded or had to write sentences or something. Moral of the story is don't steal and middle names are stupid.
(This story is entirely true! However, many parts of the story were elaborated for the humorous effect. No parents or children were harmed in the process of this story making.)
